Following secret discussions at an undisclosed beach hut, a new political party has been formed to fight the General Election on behalf of disillusioned voters.
Norfolk local hero Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, 90, said he had been forced to act by the lack of choice offered to the British people in general, and to his fiancee, Dorothea Goodchild, in particular.
“She was tearing her hair out because she couldn’t tell any difference between the parties,” he said. “And I couldn’t help her. They are all promising the same thing. The same old thing that we’ve been hearing for the last 20 years. They’re just a crowd of bankers. And lawyers.”
Mr Houseago said his new party would not be making any promises. “We won’t know how much of a mess the last lot have got us into till we’re elected,” he said. “So how can we make promises?
“I’m pretty sure we’ll have to put taxes up a lot to get us out of debt, but I’m not promising, though I know that’s what most people want.”
He said that in general his party would make the NHS easily accessible to all with no waiting, and guarantee successful diagnosis and treatment. He would make sure that all schools were equipped to come top of the league tables, if any, and that all pupils were above average. On equality, he said everyone would be considered equal except great crested newts and Len “Kissme” Hardy, of Hindolveston.
On climate change, he said he was in favour of it “seeing it was inevitable anyway”. On road safety, he said he thought it would be a good idea, but he felt recycling speed cameras and radar equipment was essential.
Asked the name of his party, Mr Houseago said he would not reveal it yet, because he did not want to invite ridicule from “smart-ass commentators and wishy-washy fascists”. He would not be appearing on Newsnight or The Culture Show, but he had been approached by the School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing at the University of East Anglia.
Mr Houseago’s spokesman, 64, was not available for comment.